| October. |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|11:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "You had me at hello" A Day To Remember | ] |
Even though I'm used to arguing, no one can deny that it's cold out. Really cold. October's never seem this grim or grey before, and I'm starting to think things are related. Maybe the weather isn't completely related to this, but it plays a part in how its hitting me. I'm making an appointment tomorrow to help get my head straight, the first step in a long line of promises I need to fulfill. I was thinking about texting you when I got up this morning, since I got up early (10ish), for the first time in 10 days. I wish I could say the sleep was natural, but I went to the store and got a sleep aid pill to try and help. It did..somewhat. They don't make a sleeping pill that prevents you from dreaming, and sometimes I think thats the main reason why I don't want to sleep. The constant reminder of failure and embarrassment takes its toll. My bed's never felt so icy, especially now. Before I went off of memories and dreams, the thought of you next to me kept me warm. Woke up and smoked a cigarette alone, Brett and Andy are at the gym, Rj's not around. Listened to my ipod and just watched the wind blow. Its grounding. There's a number of forces working around here. Wind, rain, cold, air, the water drops the wind temperature a large amount, I never realized how much. "Would it be ok? Would it be ok if I took your breath away?"
I don't want to drag this out, but the thought of doing my presentation isn't very inviting. I feel like I have so much to say, but don't want to waste it by writing it on here, not knowing if you read it or even care. My phones been silent, with the exception of my sister texting me about the Phillies, telling me she can't breath because she's so nervous. She's awesome, you know I love her as much as a brother can. This song reminds me of you. "You Had Me At Hello." Haha, a love song by a post hardcore band, comical. I'm loading my Used cd onto my laptop, trying to build back my music collection. Its hard only having a few hundred songs. Most of the music I want I don't have anymore because it was never mine to begin with.
I'm nervous about going to this guy, the thoughts of what he might say or what his explanation will be have been running through my head since I agreed to do it. I've been doing better, atleast in terms of alcohol and weed. When you're depressed, you sometimes run to anything to give you that sense of comfort. Anything to help you sleep at night. To be honest, only thing that helped last night was the intense Tylenol PM I had bought. My mind is too cluttered to really sleep right, and my head is still cluttered as I write all of this. Thousands of thoughts, of quotes, examples, questions, and opinions are running through right now, making the next idea harder and harder to interpret and put into words. I've always been good at writing, whether for school or for someone else's entertainment. I don't consider this entertainment, maybe its more of a form of therapy, or self medicating.
I don't think I'm that great, at writing or speaking. I don't think I'm that great at really much of anything, I wasn't good at showing how I felt. If I had known holding such a hard shell outside was so deteriorating, I don't think I would have acted like I did. Music has saved my life through this ordeal. A select few songs can change a persons life, attitudes, hell even their beliefs. Most of my cd's are scratched or broken, so I'm still losing a large amount of music, even as I load what I can. I keep finding these cd's that you've made me, or that I made for you. I found the "Hennifer Mix" cd last night. Almost made me break down. Staying straight around the guys is a challenge, I have something like a complex, where I can't let people see me cry. I won't. Thats another thing about this step thats been on my mind. How can I walk into a room and start pouring myself out in front of some stranger in hopes he can fix me, or tell me how to fix myself. Pride is a funny thing, making us say things we don't really mean or stand behind, or making us act in ways we never though possible.
This whole October has been a waste. I feel like the past three weeks I've been living a lie. Or maybe the first 18 years of my life were the lie, and the past three weeks were reality. I'm not sure anymore. Everything eventually becomes one giant memory, and I wonder if I'll remember writing this a year from now. Funny, putting faith in the internet. But thats what life is. Faith. You know that better than me. Its hard to think about that word and not remember you. Its in your name for Christ sake. Haha, my beards growing. Haven't shaved in about a week, and the hairs are starting to itch, a sign that I'm starting to look like a crumb. But honestly, who the fuck do I have to impress? I'm not looking for opportunities or trying to find another person to hold hands with. I have one person to impress and prove myself for. You already know who you are, who this whole live journal was about. The person who's making me better. |
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stconner81's journal
apathetic