An Explanation

Hidin' on the backstreets

eforgrove@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 08:24:59 GMT

Its December. I'm 19. I'll be 20 in three weeks, and I still feel like a kid. I'm not ready to grow up, I'm not prepared to take on everything. I feel like a pussy because of how long its taken me to take care of myself now. I can't stand to feel like this. I've been alot better. I haven't cut, I haven't made bad decisions, so where's the pay back? Or maybe I'm not supposed to think about it...Thats probably the secret to life, stated in one drunk question. Stop looking for instant gratification, maybe I should look ahead...

October

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 07:37:51 GMT

Its October already. This year passed me alot faster than I thought it would. I still hold these feelings, I still have this barrier between where I am and where a normal person should be. I don't think I should still be like this, because I feel like it isn't something that would work. "Let's drink to memories we shared, down one for all the hopes and cares. Here's two for being unaware that you're gone...because before too long, you'll be a memory."

To be honest, you were a memory before any of this. Before I made my mistakes, and before you made yours.

In ten weeks you shaped it...

eforgrove@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 08:59:19 GMT

I wish I understood myself. I want this. I want that. I want to have a girlfriend, I want to be single. I want to go to school, I want to get a job, I can't find the happy medium. The past few nights have been a complete Hell. I haven't fallen asleep before 4 AM, and there's no one who can really help me. Is this what everyone else goes through? Like, I don't know if I'm "that guy" or if I'm just another retarded person who wants to fit in. I just want to believe in something. I want to feel like something is alright. Lately I feel like everything is so skeptical, everything is so temporary. Nothing is here to stay. Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this. Nothing stays the way it should. Nothing stays like you want it to be. Things are going to change. People are going to change, and its your decision how you accept that. Its not easy to accept, and sometimes you don't want to. You want to go back to how someone was, or how things seemed more simple. Things were easier back then. Everything was structured, everything had a purpose or a sense. lately I feel like I'm abck a year ago when I had no idea where I was going. I still don't. I never had an idea what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go to Stockton, it just seemed safe, it seemed easy. It wasn't, by any means. Fuck age. Goddamn. I just wish I understood everything. I wish I knew how I was supposed to feel, supposed to be. I feel like there's alot of opportunities and yet, nothing grabs me.

Use Somebody.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 23:42:48 GMT

"You know that I could use somebody, you know that I could use somebody, Someone like you and all you know, and how you speak, countless lovers under cover of the street"

Ah Valentines Day. A day often loathed by those who are single and alone. I thought to myself this morning "hey, it won't be that bad, at least I'm not the only one."

I couldn't be more wrong. so now I sit here at 6:34 on my computer, with myself, and only myself. My roommates are all off doing their something for their someone, my best friends are out with ex's or people they care about, and yet, I'm alone. Frustration.

Its not the trophy that I'm after, its not something to show off or boast, its just something that you want. Yes I can live without it. Yes I can probably live a prosperous life and have alot of nice shit, but in the end, when I lay down, I'm not satisfied. I feel like there was more I should have done with my day. There was someone I should have talked to, or held, or kissed. At the end of the day, I don't know where I am.

I've been to the beach atleast 4 times in the past two weeks. For some reason, sitting on a dark beach at 3 in the morning helps calm me down, makes me feel a little more positive. Its not even that I'm depressed and on the rebound, at this point its just like "damn, I'm lonely, damn, I really want to get to know you"

Where's my miracle? My somebody?

I guess its true, "Every thug needs a lady"

Sunsets and Car Crashes...

eforgrove@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:33:08 GMT

I haven't written anything down in a while, but today I saw something. I had my interview at 4, and afterwards I was driving up the expressway. I look to my left, and this purple, pink and orange sky just jumps in my face. I didn't even know what to call it, my first reaction was to take a picture. It wasn't a good one, but you could see it a little. It made me think about things, in a different aspect. You go through the entire day, just dealing with the sunlight, and hopefully good events. And then, what seemed like forever turns into 10 final minutes. Ten minutes to do what you can with what you have before its gone. And then, darkness. Fear, anxiety, paranoia, any bad feeling you could get, its more likely to happen in the dark. For some reason, the dark brings a false sense of security, or maybe its the other way around. Maybe we're so used to being bombarded with light and good things, that when the darkness comes, it hits us ten times harder. It hits us so we can't think properly, we do anything to have a good time, and that..thats where the problem comes. The sun is a natural drug, and damn near all people want it. Tanning, the beach, just being outside in the park, people strive for that. And yet, the beauty of the sunset, it was like something I had never witnessed before. I keep thinking about it, wondering what made it so special..and then I remember. You. For some reason you made a sunset seem like the most incredible event in the world. You inspired it. And looking back at this car crash of the past few months, I can't say if I would do anything different. You're still awe-inspiring, even after the years. "I can't help feeling like I'm due for a miracle, I'm waiting for a sign, and I'll stare straight, into the sun, and I won't close my eyes. Until I understand or go blind" Maybe this was what I needed. Something as simple and as reliable as the sun, changed my entire day, possibly my life.

Tidal Wave.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 08:49:12 GMT

Cause I've overcommitted myself.
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days.
I guess this is growing up
I'm feeling things are about to change
I'm guessing this is growin up
Yeah I'm guessing this is growing up

Well sing us a song...

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:18:44 GMT

There isn't really a song to sing here. I don't want to see anyone else, and this no seeing each-other is pretty difficult. I miss you.

"To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a threefold utopian dream. You do something to me, that I can't explain. So would I be out of line, if I said, 'I miss you'? I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away. I know I'll see you again, whether far, or soon. But I need you to know, that I care, and I miss you"

5 AM never seemed this early

eforgrove@gmail.com — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 10:37:16 GMT

Its 4:48 am est. I'm listening to "On Your Porch" by the Format. And once again, I'm in a foreign place. Didn't drink tonight, didn't smoke tonight, it was something you had asked of me. Surprise, I'm actually following through. Brett and Ry are watching tv, and yet I've got the headphones in, listening. Only thing I can hear over them is the typing that I'm doing. I'm not sure what to do. I've given space, I've given time, and yet I am here, day in and day out, wondering, thinking, contemplating, damning. "I'll tap the break, while you crack the window" Remember that? Driving in my car? Down to the shore, for no reason at all. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. "...Wanna go to the shore?" Bearing left instead of right, and just taking it all the way. Jasey Rae. You never liked All Time Low, but for some reason you didn't mind this song. I prefer the acoustic, I think you like it better too. Jesus Christ what has become of me? Talking to a computer screen, praying to god that you'll get up in three hours and decided to look at it. I feel like this is the only chance I have to tell you everything thats been on my mind,we haven't had a real conversation in almost two months. Its just not right. This waiting process is going to be the death of me. I'm almost scared because I feel like I have to start dating or have to start talking to people. I don't really want to, but its fucking lonely at night. Knowing that I have no one to text or call and fall asleep with is killing my head. Mentally I'm a sinking ship. "Drifting away doesn't seem that bad until you hear "Come back", that kid was right. I don't remember his name, but for some reason that line hit me. Its going to snow today, I'm hoping I might get to see you when I get home. I doubt it, but I can still hope. "These images that fill my head now keep my fingers from making mistakes" I only see you. In everything I do and everything I see, its you. Jesus fucking Christ I don't know what to do. I don't know how to self medicate, and making an appointment for a therapist takes forever. My friends don't understand, the few I could talk to aren't around the corner anymore, and I'm left in this unholy shit hole that I have to call my conscience. Waking up every morning asking yourself "what's the point" is no way to live your life. Unfortunately its all that I have right now. "You can't see her again if you're dead" Thats usually the response I get in my head. I can't help but feel like all of this is a fucking lie, everything thats going on is just wasting time. You know where you should be, and you know where you want to be. "I ain't got many friends left to talk to, no ones around when I'm in trouble, You know I'd do anything for you" Haha, The Outfield. Some random ass band in the 80's saying things that make complete sense now. Jesus Christ what am I doing? We're so much stronger than this. You know that. It doesn't feel right when you hold his hand, it doesn't feel right when you kiss him. When you tell him goodnight you're wishing it was me to fall asleep with you. Goddamn its just so frustrating. I just want this portion of my life to be over. A fast forward button would be fantastic. If I had the opportunity I'd have pressed it the day all of this happened. I've been listening to OAR lately. They help calm me down someone. Chill, not "make you want to kill yourself" music. Its a change of pace, but when it comes to my Ipod, I feel like the songs that remind me of you are on repeat. "The saddest song always plays on the radio on the coldest days" There's been a thousand cold days since you left, and the saddest songs are on repeat. I'm overwhelmed. Schoolwork and keeping myself alive seem to take up the bulk of my day, the nights are mostly wondering if you ever think about me or if you even care if I exist. I have to get an MRI today in about fourteen hours, and I'm terrified. I don't know what's wrong with my shoulder, the last thing I want to hear is that I can't finish the season. I didn't go to practice this week, more time I could have used to see you. But you "can't" right? Why not? I just think you're afraid. Seeing me and talking to me in person would be a smack in the face after all the bullshit he said. I wouldn't waste my time doing that, I guess you could say I've "grown up". Thats what you wanted right? Me to grow up, mature, get better. You said it, did you mean it? Maybe you were just using that as an excuse. I don't know. I really don't know anything anymore. You constantly have me guessing, I never thought I'd be afraid to text you, and now I have to pick and choose every word. I want to talk to you, not you through him, and thats what it feels like I'm doing. I want to talk to the girl I am in love with, not this person who is pretending to not want to talk, or see me. I'm waiting, constantly waiting, jumping when my phone vibrates, nearly smiling ear to ear when I see your name. Smiling or wanting to die, there is no happy medium. Depends what mood I'm in. I can't stand this. "You remind me of home" and right now, I don't have one. Not until you make it one.

I can't believe that ten years have really gone by

eforgrove@gmail.com — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:03:57 GMT

That hit me like a brick. I never thought something on a website would hit like that.

Irony.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 18:47:39 GMT

I apologize. I thought it was extremely funny, and needed to be posted. The words are the lyrics from Omarion's "Ice Box". I find them to be pretty correct in everything thats going on in my life currently. I'm stressed, confused, tired, sore, damn near everything you can think of that would describe being completely shit on. I waited up tonight for your text...you said you were getting food, and that you'd text back later...where are you? I'm here..sitting at my computer, hoping my phone will go off with your name on the screen. I fucking hate this. Jesus Christ I fucking hate this. Every night I lay in bed wondering where you are, what you did, who you were with. This isn't the way to live. I used to smoke and drink, because people before me had used it as an escape...it doensn't help. So what? I forget for an hour, maybe two if I'm lucky. At the end of the night, I'm in my bed, watching my phone, listening in hopes I hear it vibrate. God damn, I wish you could see what the fuck is going on right now. Nothing is real, everything I do feels like its a copy of a copy of a copy. Its all fake. This isn't real.

Hahaha, I had to...

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 07:54:20 GMT

Fussin' and fightin', we back at it again
I know that, it's my fault, but you don't understand
I got memories, this is crazy
You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
Good with ma, good with pa, cool with all my niggas
I should try, truth is I wanna let u in, but no
Damn these memories, and it's crazy
You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know

Girl I really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
I said I really wanna work this out, damn girl I'm tryin'
It's no excuse, no excuse
But I got this

I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

Why can't I get it right, just can't let it go
I opened up, she let me down, I won't feel that no more
I got memories, this is crazy
She ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
I don't mean to take it out on you baby but I can't help it
'Cause my heart is in the same ol' condition that baby left it
And I, I apologize, for makin' you cry
Look me in my eye and promise you won't do me the same

Girl I really wanna work this out, 'cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
I said I really wanna work this out, damn girl I'm tryin'
It's no excuse, no excuse
But I got this

[Chorus 2x]
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

I don't wanna be stuck up in this cold cold world ('cause I don't wanna be)
Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl

Girl I really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
I said I really wanna work this out, damn girl I'm tryin'
It's no excuse, no excuse
But I got this

I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

You've had enough to drink tonight...

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 10:51:04 GMT

This is a fucking struggle. Within the past month, I've managed to lose the one I love, the one I truly cared about, my sanity as an immature person, and in retrospect, my life. I'm not the immature person I was in highschool. It almost shocked me how quickly it came. I'm usually out of ideas of how to make myself happy, or out of ideas about how to sleep at night. I don't sleep much, which at 5:39 in the morning is pretty obvious. I don't consider my self an alcoholic, I can get up in the morning without two shots of burbon. I'm really just lonely. I can't stand this not being able to talk to eachother openly, and now I can't even see you which makes things that much harder. I'm not the typical college kid, you prevented me from being that. I didn't know I was going to fall inlove with you and I didn't plan ahead incase I did. Right now, I'm sitting at my computer (obviously) with a thousand thoughts running through my head. "The Better Part of Valor" is a good one. "Piano Man" is another, and of course last but not least would be "One Man Drinking Games". It is a fucking struggle making it through the day. Knowing that you're not there to listen to me, or talk to me, cuts me more than I could ever do myself. This facade of happiness and control is such bullhshit. I drink to get my mind off you, and I smoke for the same reasons. You're not with me, so why should it matter right? I does matter. The people I hang out with down here don't understand the fact that we do things we don't want to, but have to. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a new challenge facing me. I rise above it. I fight through it, and eventually I may become a part of it. I want nothing in this world but to make you happy. I can't live without talking to you or seeing you, its not humanly possible. I have so much anger and regret built up inside me, I'm surprised I haven't burst yet. Jesus Christ its a funny concept. You are my love. Regardless of what age I met you. I will always love you, I'm counting the days until you come home, to me, where you belong.

Back to this.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:15:35 GMT

Back to where I was. You finally realize something, something that most people don't get until they're well into their twenties. What good will come out of it? There's no speeding up of time, there's no skip ahead button. You're stuck. You've got ten cigarettes and a twelve hour drive. Where will you go from here? Where will you end up? What road will you take? To be honest I've been pretty well behaved by most people's standards. Haven't gotten with anyone, haven't done anything. I don't get retarded when I drink, maybe a little loose. I've learned my limitations. Why won't you?

Signs.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 06:26:26 GMT

I see signs now all the time. Its as much the truth as it is a song lyric. I see little things now. All little hints and reminders. I'm growing up.

Keystone.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:44:59 GMT

So, let's be honest here. Unintentionally, you broke my heart. I guess in reality I broke my own. But I still can't help but feel like you ended it officially. Lets be honest, you destroyed anything that was left of the old Erik. I have no recollection, or memory of what I did tonight, and well, that was because you didn't let me. I took you out to dinner and you decided to shit on me. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in this undying need to be with someone. I believe that I am now numb. Completely. I won't fall in love, and I can't. I have this part of my body that won't work or won't feel, until such time as you see it fit. You really ended it, not me. Us fighting and us arguing was only a small part. Thats what makes relationships work, we fight, we argue, and then we make up. Not you, you decided this time was the last time. So, I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to act. I don't know how to act.

People.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:16:13 GMT

Most people say that you have your one and only. That, when you meet this person, you know right away, that they will be in your life until the day you die. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I never used to think that there was only one person you were meant for, but with recent developments, my ideas are changing. There's no drive. I'm not going to fill the void with some random just to put on a facade that I'm happy and doing well. Only reason I'm happy and doing well, is because I've come to realize not everything is going to be "right now". Most people go through life with failing relationships and die without ever meeting who they were supposed to. Life is predetermined. That may be selfish in thought, but sit down and open it up. Before we are even born, we are made of everything that we will ever have. Skin tone, eye color, sex, height, weight, physical build, shoe size, eye shape, hair, essentially, our entire being is mapped out. Move along to your childhood, and you are told how you are going to be. You are trained in how you act, talk, walk, breath, and essentially how you live. Adolescence begins the transformation. We gain little freedoms, and decide how that will effect us. But wait, we're already trained, we're already taught the decisions we're going to make. Then you have the devil's advocate who say "Well what I if I go against my parents?" Already planned.

Teenagers are expected to make wrong decisions and act accordingly. "Oh maybe, we were made, we were made for each other" Its a concept that I am starting to debate with myself. Can you be physically developed to perfectly fit with someone else? Someone who you don't know yet, and don't even talk to? You're already trained to be who you are for the rest of your life, so why is it so far fetched? The concept is making more sense as I think about it. Predetermination. It started back in the day. Certain cultures believed that your entire person is based upon genes and training. People argue nature vs nurture all the time. Is someone born a criminal, or is it because of their up bringing. Well, look at the statistics, not all criminals grow up in bad neighborhoods or with bad parents. Its fricken science. Who you are, what you will do, and when you die, is already known. Not by you obviously, not by your parents, not by anyone. Its just written. Maybe I shouldn't have said that it is known, rather, it is determined. Every mistake you will make, every wrong you will perform, was for a greater reason, a purpose that you don't yet understand or realize. Every meal you will eat and every thing you will ever drink in your life is set out in place for you. "Oh well I'll just leave where I am and start over" already determined. The choices you make to supposedly "escape" predetermination were already planned for.

Its a fascinating concept. Knowing that I was supposed to make the mistakes I have, and the choices I have, gives me a little more depth. I feel as though I am a better person for screwing up the way I have. It only makes me stronger, and realize what I want and where I will be even more. The only aggravating thing about predetermination, is the fact that it is predetermined. We don't really have any freedoms. The idea of free will and free choice are just philosophers attempting to get famous...which is already predetermined. Ah, sweet sweet irony, it is a recurring theme. Learning different things about life is somewhat enjoyable. But it also makes you feel sort of depressed. Knowing the truth and the reason behind things brings a down feeling about a person. But, hey, it comes with the territory. People are born with philosophical ideas or not. Maybe I was.

People will do things. Good, bad, indifferent. Regardless of these actions, people need to realize that it was supposed to happen. Its similar to riding the wave, but knowing when and how to go about it. Think about it. Don't think about your pride or your friends, everyone will die alone somehow. People who you know today, could never talk to you again. But thats life. Live it, and be grateful you have what you do.

Why.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 09:30:49 GMT

Why? Why don't you care? Why don't you feel? Why are you numb? Why are you impenetrable? Why do you not want to see me? Why do you not kiss me? Why do you not let me hold you? Why do you kiss him? Why do you lie to yourself? Why do you tell yourself that you'll forget me? Why do you not remember when I made you smile? Why do you not remember smiling and walking down the hallway at school? Why do you think that this is right? Why do you think that you'll forget about me? Why don't you understand that we are meant for each other? Why don't you fucking get it? Why are you being so stubborn? Why do you need to act like this? Why don't you just admit that you miss me? Why don't you fucking love me? Why don't you fucking miss me? Why don't you miss when my hand fits perfectly into yours? Why don't you fucking miss kissing me? Why won't you come back to where you belong? Why the hell won't you give me ten minutes out of your day? Why won't you realize that I can't stand this? Why won't you stop acting like it doesn't affect you? Why won't you just admit that you want us to work? Why won't you just come back to where you belong? Why won't you lay in my arms? Why do you act like everything is so wrong? Why won't you just admit that this is right? Why won't you fucking love me like you really do? Why won't you act like you want to see me? Why won't you just admit that you want to? Why do you act like you're attracted to him? Why can't you just admit that you believe me? Why can't you just be with me and give it a chance? Why won't you just admit that you know I've changed? Why won't you just admit that I am everything that you want? Why won't you just realize that you just want to feel me again? Why won't you admit that you miss kissing me? Why won't you admit that you miss holding me? Why won't you admit that you missing holding my hand? Why won't you admit that you miss me holding you? Why won't you admit that you miss me holding you in my arms? Why won't you stop putting up this front? Why won't you just forget this fucking bullshit and come home?

Halloween.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 08:22:01 GMT

So. Halloween...fun, candy, friends, mischief. Or none at all. I wore my Po costume today...wasn't really that fun. Driving home I realized just how cold it was, how chilly it feels when you don't have anyone to go home and talk to. Its not fair. To realize something too late hurts. Not really, it kills. I asked if you were ok, you said "yea" but I don't know, it doesn't feel ok. Nothing does. Knowing there's no one. No one there, or no one here. There's nothing. The more I talk and think about it, I can't stand being here. If I had known the damage this would do, I don't think I would have gone. Maybe I should have given GCC a thought. Maybe I should have realized it was a better decision, and that everything I would do here I could do there. I think I'm going to go to GCC next semester, where I'll finish I have no idea. The future isn't what's important to me right now. Living like this, and thinking like I think, do nothing for me. I feel trapped.

I'm going to ask this, and I'm not expecting you to answer, but I know I'll ask you the next time I talk to you. Does he hold you like I do? Does he kiss you like I do? Does he mean it when he hugs you or when he lays next to you? I don't think he does. To be honest, I don't think he fits. Not like we do. You fit perfectly, in every way I could think. Your hands, your body, your neck, your arm, your legs, your feet, your lips, your nose, every part of your body fits perfectly with mine. I think thats a sign.

Another Night

eforgrove@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 07:31:38 GMT

Its 3:23 AM. I tried to sleep. Took sleeping pills about two hours ago. I laid in bed for about an hour. Nothing. Ideas keep floating around in my head, and 9/10 I hate. This isn't how it's supposed to be. You know that. You know what we have is meant to last. You asked me to grow up and get better and learn to control myself before we could try again. I don't even know if you want to try again. I know that you need to have your space, but it feels like I'm constantly stopping myself from texting, or calling when I can't sleep. I'm doing my best, but its hard. Harder than what i thought. Everyone says you need to get over it, you need to move on. I'm not. I'm not moving on, I'm not getting over it. There isn't any of that. There's getting better, and in six hours I'll be on my way home, confessing everything to my mom, and making an appointment to help me. If I knew you were at least around, or at least even thought about me for five minutes a day, it'd be nice. I did this to myself. I followed the road to self destruction, and this is the last stop. I've thought about giving up, about not going to get help, or not stopping drinking/smoking, but I need to. Not just for you, but for me. I want to be your everything, like how you're mine. I want to be the all around guy, not just someone who seemed like they loved you only when they wanted to. I want to make you feel the way you deserve. I want you to be happy to see me, or answer your phone and see a text from me. This isn't how it's supposed to be, and I'm not going to let it die. This spark is sitting in my chest, and if you would only give me the chance, I know I can make things right. This time its different. This time I am completely aware of what I did and what I need to do. There's no scraping by and telling only some of the truth. I'm not going to lie anymore, to anyone, but more importantly to you. If you could see inside this head of mine, you'd only see yourself. Running around talking, sleeping, and smiling all big and dorky when you see me walking towards you. This separation is only making my feelings more real, and it only convinces me that this was something more. I just wish I knew how you felt. I just wish I knew you were thinking about me at all. I need a sign.

October.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 16:00:56 GMT

Even though I'm used to arguing, no one can deny that it's cold out. Really cold. October's never seem this grim or grey before, and I'm starting to think things are related. Maybe the weather isn't completely related to this, but it plays a part in how its hitting me. I'm making an appointment tomorrow to help get my head straight, the first step in a long line of promises I need to fulfill. I was thinking about texting you when I got up this morning, since I got up early (10ish), for the first time in 10 days. I wish I could say the sleep was natural, but I went to the store and got a sleep aid pill to try and help. It did..somewhat. They don't make a sleeping pill that prevents you from dreaming, and sometimes I think thats the main reason why I don't want to sleep. The constant reminder of failure and embarrassment takes its toll. My bed's never felt so icy, especially now. Before I went off of memories and dreams, the thought of you next to me kept me warm. Woke up and smoked a cigarette alone, Brett and Andy are at the gym, Rj's not around. Listened to my ipod and just watched the wind blow. Its grounding. There's a number of forces working around here. Wind, rain, cold, air, the water drops the wind temperature a large amount, I never realized how much. "Would it be ok? Would it be ok if I took your breath away?"

I don't want to drag this out, but the thought of doing my presentation isn't very inviting. I feel like I have so much to say, but don't want to waste it by writing it on here, not knowing if you read it or even care. My phones been silent, with the exception of my sister texting me about the Phillies, telling me she can't breath because she's so nervous. She's awesome, you know I love her as much as a brother can. This song reminds me of you. "You Had Me At Hello." Haha, a love song by a post hardcore band, comical. I'm loading my Used cd onto my laptop, trying to build back my music collection. Its hard only having a few hundred songs. Most of the music I want I don't have anymore because it was never mine to begin with.

I'm nervous about going to this guy, the thoughts of what he might say or what his explanation will be have been running through my head since I agreed to do it. I've been doing better, atleast in terms of alcohol and weed. When you're depressed, you sometimes run to anything to give you that sense of comfort. Anything to help you sleep at night. To be honest, only thing that helped last night was the intense Tylenol PM I had bought. My mind is too cluttered to really sleep right, and my head is still cluttered as I write all of this. Thousands of thoughts, of quotes, examples, questions, and opinions are running through right now, making the next idea harder and harder to interpret and put into words. I've always been good at writing, whether for school or for someone else's entertainment. I don't consider this entertainment, maybe its more of a form of therapy, or self medicating.

I don't think I'm that great, at writing or speaking. I don't think I'm that great at really much of anything, I wasn't good at showing how I felt. If I had known holding such a hard shell outside was so deteriorating, I don't think I would have acted like I did. Music has saved my life through this ordeal. A select few songs can change a persons life, attitudes, hell even their beliefs. Most of my cd's are scratched or broken, so I'm still losing a large amount of music, even as I load what I can. I keep finding these cd's that you've made me, or that I made for you. I found the "Hennifer Mix" cd last night. Almost made me break down. Staying straight around the guys is a challenge, I have something like a complex, where I can't let people see me cry. I won't. Thats another thing about this step thats been on my mind. How can I walk into a room and start pouring myself out in front of some stranger in hopes he can fix me, or tell me how to fix myself. Pride is a funny thing, making us say things we don't really mean or stand behind, or making us act in ways we never though possible.

This whole October has been a waste. I feel like the past three weeks I've been living a lie. Or maybe the first 18 years of my life were the lie, and the past three weeks were reality. I'm not sure anymore. Everything eventually becomes one giant memory, and I wonder if I'll remember writing this a year from now. Funny, putting faith in the internet. But thats what life is. Faith. You know that better than me. Its hard to think about that word and not remember you. Its in your name for Christ sake. Haha, my beards growing. Haven't shaved in about a week, and the hairs are starting to itch, a sign that I'm starting to look like a crumb. But honestly, who the fuck do I have to impress? I'm not looking for opportunities or trying to find another person to hold hands with. I have one person to impress and prove myself for. You already know who you are, who this whole live journal was about. The person who's making me better.

Insomnia.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 06:33:24 GMT

I'm writing this because i'm not supposed to talk to you. I just wanted to tell you that I want to, but i'm not because you asked me to. Not because of him. I don't know, I just hoped you would like to know that.

For myself.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 01:20:09 GMT

This is not about anyone. This is about myself. This is to remind myself about what I need to do. To get the help I need. To get his bag off my back. To grow up to where I should be. No drama. No bullshit. School. Hockey. Work. Those are whats important now. I will be better.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 23:47:45 GMT

How long has it been? A week? Maybe two? I don't know. I've lost track of time. I've lost track of a sleep pattern. Nothing is organized, I have no plans. I'm not writing this out of anger, or out of frustration. Its more like writing it out of unknown. I don't know anything. Its funny how I used to give you that as an answer all the time, and now its the dead straight truth. Everyday is wasted wondering what to do, if its even worth it to try, or if I should just take care of myself like I should have months ago. A life alone isn't worth living. Maybe it took you choosing to leave forever to make me see that.

Forever never seems that long until you're gone. I kept telling you to just ride it out, just go with things, so why did you go here? We've fought before, why was this the last straw? Instead of talking to me you decide to yell at me, threaten me, give me bs excuses. This isn't what it was meant to be. The day you look at me and say those four words, then I will let you go on your way. Until that day, I have to do what I'm doing. Again improving, again getting better, smarter, stronger, funnier, more caring, more giving. You don't understand how aggravating it is. Everyday is the same. Everything is a copy, of a copy, nothing is fucking real. It wasn't even a break up or an end. It was an abandonment. Atleast thats how it feels. I'm here trying, working, fighting. Ha, remember? Fighting? Thats what you told me to do. To fight. If I loved you I should fight. Well, where did that get me? Ending up an 18 year old alcoholic isn't where I saw myself. I won't go down that path. I won't deteriorate. I'm just waiting. Constantly waiting for you to even say two words to me.

I'm being strong. I'm being solid. I'm trying the best I can. Its not helping. Me trying meant nothing.

Sleep, Everyone.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 01:37:01 GMT

There's no escaping it. Funny that I even tried.

I've had enough to drink tonight.

eforgrove@gmail.com — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 00:19:07 GMT

I always look back and wonder what if. It seems like a never ending cycle, where I can't decide if I've done the right thing or not. It isn't like a video game or sport where if you made a bad decision, you know it almost immediately. I think thats why I hate it so much, the waiting. I stopped being selfish and realized that I didn't deserve what I had. I've decided that I have to live with my decision. I'm sorry for everything. For wasting your time, your energy. Its a Saturday night, I'm at school. And I'm sitting on my computer writing my outline for Public Speaking. My phone hasn't moved since last night. I don't really have a reason to have it on me, no one's going to call.

"I'll down Keystones
drunk and alone
planning things to say
saying things planned
to empty cans
same shit different day"